Jaclyn H. Callan
(same initials as Jesus. Coincidence? She thinks not.)
Jaclyn is the webmaster of this site and frequently enjoys referring to herself in the third person. Other hobbies include overthrowing small nations, frightening her school administration, poetry, long walks on the beach...oh yeah this isn't a personal ad. Anyways, she would like to depart everyone with a bit of scientific wisdom. Atoms are kinda like Jesus and Tesla coils give you interesting marks. She is addicted to caffeine (she doesn't see a bad side since she's happier, friendly, and smarter with it) and Jess thinks she's addicted to Peach-Ginseng fruit water, which some have likened to licking a rotting peach. She works at the Women's Theatre Co. of NJ, ensuring that she remains poor, until she becomes a theatre major, ensuring that she remains poor. Jaclyn formerly worked as a Bonsai tree expert but quit her job because of inherent boyishness and vegetarianism. Her major turn-offs are republicanism, human stupidity (which never ceases to amaze her), drunk 40 year old lesbians saying, "You've gotta be the man", drunk 40 year old lesbians in general, NRA members, and strawberries. If you would like to be involved in the plot to overthrow Lake Telemark island, using the grotto as a base of operation and steal the Stanley Cup, she wants you as an Honorary Member of the Hostile Team. She would like to take this moment to say, "I am not butch. Don't listen to Dante."
Eric Dante was born in the Guatemalan Jungle to a pair of physically-inept Lemurs. After living off of lemur-milk (which remarkably tastes entirely unlike Orange Juice) and Pango Massions, he left the Jungle for the big city. After a hell of a lot of wrong turns, he ended up in a cesspool called Wharton. It was in Wharton that he learned to despise humanity. With his fortunes, Dante enjoys inciting revolts in Fourth-World countries, constructing islands in the Southern Pacific, and traveling to Various Planets in his Galactic Empire of Monkeys and Rabid Postmen. He has recently found his archnemesis, Smob Rith, God of the Potted Meat and Keeper of the Mutant Lash. With his Allies, Jaclyn the Butch and Jess del Queso, Dante plans to destroy Smob Rith and his lowly, sniveling assistant Rad Brosen.
Jess del Queso
First off, I would just like to mention that I am NOT, in any way, shape or form, a man. The fact that Jackie would accuse me of such blasphemy upsets and offends me, and she should probably die. Besides, Jackie is more of a man than I'll ever be. So damn her!
Now that we've got that cleared up...hi, my name is Jess. My hobbies, aside from experimenting with potted meat and various drugs, include sleeping, eating, being the leader of a band of Mongolian pirate monkeys, and serving as president of several small, third-world counties. Despite popular belief, I am not wanted in all 50 states. Only in a mere 37 states, 3 Canadian provinces, and Guam are the authorities after me. New Jersey is probably one of them, due to an incident that occurred in early December. I don't really want to get into it that much, but let's just say it involved a few dozen mangled Winkie corpses. Anyway, this bio is getting really long and kind of ridiculous, so I'm going to end it by saying that potted meat is the devil, and we sure are lucky to have someone on our team who thinks they're Jesus Christ. Bye bye!